As some of you are aware, I’m a Patriots fan.
Guys, where you going? Guys.
Do I still have one reader? All I need is one.
Thanks for sticking around mom.
Anyway, the fine folks of Bud Light presented me with the opportunity to go to the Pats opening night game vs. the Chiefs. Obvious no brainer. Literally would have skipped my grandmother’s funeral for it. And she thought she was going to ge the last laugh for leaving me out of the will. Not so fast.
In any event, the overwhelming theme of the night–other than sucking down frothy cold delicious Bud Lights–was the ubiquity of hate for Roger Goodell in New England. For those who have been living on an Amish farm for two years, Goodell is a ruthless dictator who makes unfounded claims based on personal grudges and hands out wildly incongruent punishments and is terrified of the backlash he receives for his asinine brain.
Yeah, Goodell and I are going through a rough patch. Which isn’t too dissimilar from the rest of New England and NFL fans at large. But I am only one man who can spew only so much hate. When you add 65,000 other people to the mix, the hate train runs off the tracks.
As a herd of fans entered the stadium before the game, I heard one man, who looked like he donates to charities anonymously, yell: “Suck my balls, Rogah!” to an encouraging crowd. Chants of “Where is Rogah” echoed throughout the tailgating lots as thousands of fans clamoring to get their hands on a Roger clown face towel being distributed by Barstool Sports’ founder Dave Portnoy.
As Roger Goodell appeared out of the tunnel about an hour before game time after dodging both of the Patriots playoff games last year, the reception was about as warm as Steve Bartman waltzing into a Chicago bar wearing a Marlin’s jersey. The public-address announcer even urged fans to refrain from using foul language.
Goodell then made his way up to a suite (separate from Kraft’s) and the Patriots chose not to show Goodell on the stadium video screen. Can’t really blame them, check out these pics.
Aside from Tom Brady having his third lowest completion percentage in a single game in his career and Belichick’s defense giving up the most yards ever during his tenure (by a long shot), the game was quite enjoyable.
A memorable moment for me was sitting down with 2-time Super Bowl champion and Super Bowl MVP Deion Branch (Here’s me cheesing with the Pats’ legend). I asked him about Belichick, who in the past has said that Deion is by far and away the quickest player he’s ever coached. Branch returned the praise by saying this:
“What people don’t understand is that Bill is a completely different person when the cameras aren’t on him. When we’re at practice or in the meeting rooms, he always has something to say. In every meeting or in every huddle, he says something that can help you improve as a player or help you become a better person. I’ve had four or so coaches and they’ll maybe say something impactful once or twice a month. With Bill, it was every day.”
One of the other dope things that caused a buzz in the stadium was the debut of the interactive Bud Light Touchdown Glass. Typically, brands will give you a damn keychain or magnet or something useless to toss in the trash on your way out the stadium, but Bud Light raised the bar. America’s largest beer brand distributed tens of thousands of glasses to fans that were designed to light up blue after every Patriots scoring play, as well as when the team unveiled its Super Bowl LI banner.
When I first heard this I thought this was yet another indication of a robot revolution, but then learned that the lights were controlled using in-stadium radio frequency technology.
They worked swimmingly, just unfortunately not enough for a Pats W. But I realize how spoiled I am.
If you’re a fan of the 49ers, Broncos, Colts, Giants, Jets and Raiders, you’re in luck. You can purchase your team’s glass through BudLight.com/touchdown. Just connect to a special mobile app that causes the glasses to illuminate whenever the team scores a touchdown.
Now, please enjoy my Snap Story documenting my experience as a Masshole going back to his homeland. Forgive me as the video starts about halfway through the story because I was too hungover to wake up and save it before the 24 hours expired.